Sherry的呢喃 —— 我们横冲直撞的人生

大周日地起个大早，开了来回三个小时的车去开会，下午回来接着收拾家里。等到自己能安静下来坐在电脑面前的时候，天色已暗。人也累得不行。

但我跟自己说，还是得把这篇小文章写完。因为这是今天，不是其它的任何一天。

从上周起网络、朋友和商场都不断地用各种信号提醒你，母亲节来了。我们班的同学都特地给我电话告诉我这一点，可是，我怎么会忘掉这个节日呢。虽然到现在，我连一条消息都没给她发过。

我去年曾经在BBY一篇英文作业里描述过跟我妈的关系，以下就是我用自己非常拙劣的英文完成的作业。

She was a Chinese teacher, then the accountant of some enterprise. She is a versatile woman. She could recite all the poems of the book 红楼梦. She is good at 吹笛. During the Lunar Festival every year, there is the traditional 猜谜会held in our town. My mother is always the one who gets the most prizes till now. Though I would not like to admit for a long period of time, her influence on me is fundamental. She opened the door of beautiful literature to me. I could recite many 唐诗s before I went to the kindergarten. Everyday I crawled upon her knees and was reciting”朝辞白帝彩云间,千里江陵一日还.” Even I totally did not what were the meanings of the poems. I got the first prize of Ancient Poems Competition of Jiangsu Provincein my first of year of Junior School and the first prize of Conundrum Competition of Wuxi City in my second grade of elementary school.

But we did not have good time together for many years. She was very strict with me after I went to the elementary school. There was one year I had to stay in her class and be her student. I recalled sometime she knew that I did not prepare for the reciting task. I took it for granted that since you knew that, you would not name me to recite. But my name was ordered for the first. That was my first embarrassing time in the memory. I hated her so much and thought maybe I was not the native daughter of her. She was voted as the most popular teacher of students in my elementary school almost every year. But I have to say she never got my vote. 

I dared not to take the test papers back home if the scores were under 95, that means failing to her and severe criticism for me. I was force to practice piano, 围棋, calligraphy and painting. In her eyes, a qualified girl should be good at 琴棋书画. But I did hate piano so much that I skipped the classes for many times. We had severe fighting about that. I preferred to stay with my grandma than her. In my first year of Junior school, we got the task to finish an article with the topic of MY MOTHER. I went to the teacher and discussed with her that whether I could change the topic into MY GRANDMA because I did know how to depict my mother. The teacher talked with my mother about this issue. She was quite sad about it.

I was quite interested in the debate competition while she was quite opposite to it. In her mind, a girl should not speak to others in that manner which was not soft. I registered in the debate team of our school without telling her. But oneday, she saw me in the TV because it was a competition between our high school and 南京师范大学. We were certaintly defeated but I was still elected the best debater in the competition. She called me that night. I thought that she would give me the hard critism again, but to my surprise, she said she was wrong because my performance moved her.

When she was 50 years old, she decided to take the exam for the qualification for the agent of insurance industry. 300 people of our city took the exam and only 2 were passed, including my mother, who was the oldest one among them. (I am so proud of you, mum.)

因为英文的局限关系，很多细节没有描述地太清楚。比如在我刚上小学的时候，我妈就非常认真地跟我说：“既然你既不漂亮，又不聪明，那么你就只能努力了。”我有次出差美国的时候把这句话讲给同行的摄影师听，他听了都跳起来，说：“KAO，才那么小你妈就那么打击你！”但他不懂，我妈真正牛的地方是，她并不是为了打击你而这么说，作为一个看过很多学生的老师，她是在用及其客观的口吻判断你。所以，我把这话记下来了。在很多工作上最困难的时候，我想到这句话，就洗把脸接着埋头干活去。

这么多年，我和我妈都无法学会如何向对方适当地表达自己的爱。我们俩磨合的过程磕绊得很，而且方式很土。在我工作以前，她只问还是否缺生活费，到我工作以后，我总问她缺钱吗。

因为是她的女儿，我几乎有点无可奈何地变成了她。我继承了她顺畅的文字感觉，继承了她在工作上的韧劲，也同时继承她的固执。两个固执的女人相处是件困难的时候，经常就是火星撞地球。幸运的是我有个超好脾气的父亲，不然真是很难想象自己成长的岁月会如何地尖锐。

上个月，我在芝加哥准备第二天面试的时候，她给我电话，说了两句问起我在哪，我说在美国，她一听就勃然大怒，说现在国外流感这么厉害还往外跑，说你马上给我回来。我一听也火，面试还没做呢就让我回来，什么意思。结果就这么越洋吵了10分钟。芝加哥那天阴雨，我站在酒店窗口看着海一般辽阔的密歇根湖，想起自己在一个人也不认识的城市，准备着一个毫无把握的面试，最亲近你的亲人在远方也无法理解你跑这么大老远来做什么，心情愈发阴郁。我给我妈发消息说，我的人生从来没有最近这么失败过，或许我对他们来说就是没有意义的吧。

结果收到她回过来的消息：“我在你这个岁数，正处在人生的最低谷，当时我一直思索是否继续生活下去。但我发现我怀孕了，你的到来让我觉得生活又重新有了希望。一切都会过去，一切都会好的，你还这么年轻。好好的。”

也许是因为当时确实很脆弱，也许是因为我从来不知道我曾经对她是这么地重要。那一刻，我在酒店的窗边拿着手机泪流满面。

其实，我还继承了她超好的记忆力。所以，我怎么可能忘掉那么多历历在目的细节。她手把手教我弹第一首曲的耐心，她跟我解释某句诗词意境时那享受的表情，我高考没有进入自己理想大学时候她那比我还沮丧的表情……这一切都是没法擦去一点点的记忆。

时间过去，我们长大，这些真心实意，无可替代的爱的回忆，最后就成了我们不断前行最有力的养分。

写了这么多我妈妈根本不会看到的东西，我到底想说什么呢。是的，我不想只祝你母亲节快乐，我是多么希望你能在有生之年的任何一天，都能带着你招牌式固执的笑容，骄傲而快乐地生活着。

我会为你的笑容，同样固执地努力下去。

我爱你。

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 10th, 2009 at 8:52 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.